A statement issued by a bunch of Harley Street Doctors earlier today sent shockwaves through the world's drinking fraternity.
The statement maintained that excessive drinking could result in 'a smack in the face' in a crowded kebab shop, extended periods of sporadic falling over, projectile vomiting, soiling of the underwear, temporary brain death, snoring, getting locked out by the wife, tripping over the cat, dangerous driving, impaired speech, bed wetting, trying to sleep in next-door's flower beds and those are just the initial effects.
"Yeah, I've had all of that," one drinker quipped. "Do I win a pint?"
"No," we told him. We then went on to explain some of the more serious effects of excessive drinking.
Things like cirrhosis of the liver, blindness, cancer of the mouth, throat, stomach, liver, pancreas, delerium tremens, divorce, homelessness, choking to death on your own vomit, slipping into an alcoholic coma.
All of which came as no surprise to this spoof reporting team. We all know that excessive drinking is a bad thing, and we feel it is our duty to relate the facts to our readers. Job done.
Anyone fancy a pint?