Officials in Washington admitted yesterday that the apocalypse is upon us, but urged people not to panic as, "that might make things worse".
Earthquakes, floods, pestilence, global warming, war and economic doom have coincided with a 200% increase in politicians called Damien hitting the headlines. This is a sure sign, says Dr Schmidt-Klein-Wessten of the UNs Global Armageddon Awareness Association (GAAA) , that the final battle between good and evil is about to commence, leading to the coming of the antichrist. GAAA has now raised its threat level to 555 - Armageddon imminent. This is the second highest rating on the scale, with the next level, 666, being reached only when the final battle has clearly commenced, and there are signs of both angels and talking lambs on more than one continent.
'We're not sure what form the final battle will take,' says Dr Schmidt-Klein-Wessten. 'Computer simulations suggest it might look something like that last scene in Ghostbusters but probably without the marshmallow. In all honesty though, we're not sure. We're really in uncharted territory here.'
Speaking in London, Gordon Brown told the press, 'in these times of Great Tribulation, people need to know that the government is listening and understands their pain, and that a Labour government is best placed to see us through this apocalypse. David Cameron's Conservatives have no plans whatsoever in place, and the nearing Armageddon would certainly be even worse under a Tory government.'
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith added, 'The government's ID card scheme will ensure the Antichrist is unable to enter the UK without first being photographed, fingerprinted and DNA sampled. People should be re-assured we are doing all we can to keep them safe.'
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In their first media interview, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse talk exclusively about their hopes and fears for the future, and also discuss their debut album Final Day of Reckoning, to be released by EMI in time for Christmas.