Susan Boyle, 47x 12 months, has finally 'lost it' say her family, friends and me - a nosey observer...well, let's be honest, just me. The cause of her insanity is Simon Cow-Bell, who has forbidden her to sing in public, private and in the privacy of her own bath-tub.
Insiders say "Simon is a brilliant businessman and his contracts are fairly unilateral; if you are making money he'll have some of that, if you are not making money. Well... close the door on the way out and never acknowledge him on the street".
Su-Bo has been offered various state-side lucrative contracts; singing on Broadway, singing on Oprah and singing for her supper.Simon Cow-Bell has put his foot down. "No more singing, the whole point of the show is me, not the contestants. I've been on the Simpsons and everything and everyone knows who I am. No... I own her voice and the product that is Susan Boyle".
Boyle who is off 'unemployment' as she has clearly not been available for work, can now collect family credit , to top up the $190 a week she is given by Simon Cow-Bell. Not a man to make people grovel - his top contestants line up to receive their weekly wages from Simon; who tells them to open their mouths, while he throws the notes and sometimes coins inside their gob-holes"
"Ach its a wee bit degrading" said Susan, "But I have been on stage with Michael Barrymore looking up me chutter. I simply want to sing, but Simon say he owns every sound coming out of my body , this includes singing, humming , whistling, laughing, snickering, burping, hiccoughs, cough, tutting, grinding teeth, bottom burps, fanny burps and sneezes. Without my singing I will go mad, let me re-phrase that - I will go madder".
Simon refused to talk to our reporter, but he was seen, taking a swim in his Olympic-sized swimming pool: filled with gold bullion and treasures. The sort of treasures people in the bible and Pirates talk about.
Meanwhile all Su-Bo could do was open and close her mouth - contractual restraints allowing no sound to escape, like a pitiful goldfish swimming round in its bowl.