A new virulent strain of Swine Flu know as Mexican-Swine-Bee-flu is apparently causing havoc in Wigan with reports of lots of sneezing, wheezing and a coughing going on across the length and breadth of the town according to latest reports.
I spoke with Professor Reg Humperscmeikel a short time ago, a leading Lancashire Virologist over a cup of coffee, I asked him what exactly this new strain of flu was.
"In layman's terms Malcolm quite simply this is a particularly nasty strain of influenza which is caused by Mexican Bees basically 'Bathing'in Pig Shit and then cross pollinating a variety of flowers, the germ is subsequently then carried by wind across the globe.
'It only takes a mild wind (in say Chihuahua), to carry the germ sufficiently. Then, when someone catches a cold and sneezes the germ is thrust into the air like a rocket and can spread like wildfire, ending up as far a field as places, like, sadly, Wigan.'
'Because it is a hybrid flu-germ so to speak it is exceedingly difficult to formulate a vaccine against it that can successfully combat said flu-germ. So what virologists tend to try first is to kind of 'out manoeuvre or shall we say 'out think' the germ i.e. by merely trying to guess what the germ will do next. Will it perhaps multiply by dozens.. by say hundreds.. or in the very worst case scenario, will it multiply by many, many, BILLIONS!!!. This is always the SIX BILLION DOLLAR question.' Giggled the Professor.
At this point Professor Humperscmeikel became very emotional and broke down weeping but I managed to bring him round with another cup of coffee and a cheese and tomato sandwich.
I said to the Professor: 'It seems strange that your common or garden 'BEE!' would want to swim in pig shit, is'nt this highly unusual for a Bee?'
'Shows how much you know how about bees my friend,' said the Professor. 'Bees, like us humans, love nothing better than to roll about in mud and shit and stuff!
This variety of bee absolutely WORSHIPS the stench, the roughness, and craggy texture of the pig-shit as it seeps into their tiny furry bodies. In particular the male bee (cock-bee) uses said stench to allure the female bee (hen-bee) into sexual encounters.
When a hen-bee gets a whiff in the air of a pig-shit-smothered cock-bee she will be on him like a bullet! They will then usually mate in mid-air and the hen-bee will give birth to baby bees (bairn-bee) dozens of the little buggers, some 3 weeks or so later. Your average hen-bee judges a cock bee not by the size of his honey-sack but by the putrid stink and feel of the pig-shit he is smothered in!'
'Oh look!' I announced not believing the so called Professor for one minute 'IS THAT A PIG I SEE FLYING.. OR A SWARM OF MEXICAN-SWINE-BEES SMOTHERED IN PIG-SHIT?!'