The Nation of Extremism launched an appeal for virgins today after it was revealed that numbers of available virgins had reached dangerously low levels.
"Under Islamic law," explained Mohammad Mahakmahadahha, head of Islamic Virgin Studies at Basingstoke University, "a man who sacrifices himself in the name of Islam is entitled to the services of seven virgins upon his arrival in paradise. And with the recent troubles, we've had word from paradise that they are running dangerously low on virgins."
Mr Mahakmahadahha's search is hampered by the lack of maturing women in Islamic countries. Even Asian women who manage to keep a hand on their sixpence have to survive great hardships of drought, and famine, and being stoned to death for whistling on a Tuesday.
"It is a problem," said Mr Mahakmahadahha. "And we can't take western women virgins as quite frankly we spit on you infidel-dogs. One solution might be if we can persuade our great heroes in paradise to cut down on their quota of virgins, to not take their full allocation. Perhaps we can make it up to them by allowing them to lop off their vigins' limbs with a big curved sword when they've finished with them."
If you have an Asian virgin and would like to help, the appeal address is:
The Big Cave
Behind the Rubble
Down the Pass
"Please, please, give generously," said Mr Mahakmahadahha. "Even if you're unsure of your daughter's virginal status, send her anyway. We promise to return her in a shoebox if she's not a virgin, and you might just be helping a hero in paradise."
Other news: The new Afghan representatives have promised to improve the lot of women in their society. Hopefully, they intend to start treating them like human beings.