Following the runaway success of Susan Boyle on the smash TV show Britain's Got Some Talent Somewhere, not to mention the show's overwhelming influence on satirical website TheSpoof.com, I decided to take my crack reporting team to the London auditions to see what all the fuss was about.
Unfortunately we got stopped on the door by security and refused entry on the grounds that we'd only take the piss. Little did they know that we had a mole in the building, who was able to describe his excruciating ordeal to us.
First up was Clare Morton, a determined looking middle aged woman. Echoes of Susan Boyle perhaps? Not a bit of it. This dowdy diva took centre stage, and as the music started, broke into a bizarre dance before giving us a rendition of Fame, originally by Irene Cara. Her vocal sounded like some unseen entity was hammering a six inch nail through her foot.
Next up were some Lion Dancers who obviously either couldn't see where they were going or didn't know what they were doing. If the way they stumbled about on stage was anything to go by.
Then we had a trolley pusher from Asda who fell flat on his arse, followed by failed newspaper editor, Piers Morgan gamely trying to ride a giant hamster wheel.
Our man commented: "This does not constitute talent. This constitutes utter shite."
More when we find it.