Islamabad, Pakistan - Pakistan President Zardari today welcomed Ministry Of Defence (UK) proposals regarding the liberation of north west Pakistan from the evil clutches of the Taleban.
Pakistani authorities conceded that they had virtually lost control of the north west frontier region and that it was effectively under Taleban control and Sharia Law.
The MOD recognised that conventional military action would be largely ineffective in such an inhospitable and isolated region, so it proposed the formation of a penal regiment, formed largely of violent offenders and nonce haters, the worst of Britain's prison population. Officers would be recruited from Broadmoor secure hospital.
An MOD chappy told us:
"We recruit a few hundred of these nutters, equip them with Ray-Bans, shorts, Union Jacks, and unlimited supplies of beer and whisky. Then we transport them and dump them in north west Pakistan. We anticipate that once there, they'll start drinking at sunrise, then congregate in town squares making a nuisance of themselves and being abusive. We don't expect them to submit to Taleban policing. In fact we expect them to put the boot in. Heh-heh. Sorted!"
President Zardari told us:
"Please send convict cavalry quick! We need help! Now!"
More as we get it.