London - (X-Files Mess): Cloned in a hideous alien experiment from a hybridised freak ovum supplied by Queen Elizabeth II..... and fertilised by a rogue spermatozoon ejaculated by one of the Bush family gangsters?
That's the conclusion of the CIA's X-Files division after Susan Boyle's secret medical records revealed that her grizzly gestation took place on an extraterrestrial saucer circa the winter of 1960.
"The physical resemblance to the Al Qaeda Puppet Monarch is of course startling - right down to the dodgy Stalinist hairdo and retard rictus grin," one spooky insider at the President George Herbert Bush Center For Intelligence (sic) commented today.
Boyle has been coy all week about her alien origins although an autobiography "My early life aboard the motherfuckingship" is in the effing.
Some of the accompanying photographs could be patented as a non-medical form of emetic.