London, Today. - Police and tourist chiefs are reporting an influx of antagonistic masochistic visitors to London.
Hatchet faced Kirsty Thunt(34+4), of the London Tourist board said she had witnessed a large increase in the numbers of 'giggly, mad-eyed, shifty looking middle-aged men' entering the city from places as far flung as Bangkok, Berlin and Maastricht.
Metropolitan Police Officer Phil LePayne(12) also reported a rise in the numbers of gaudily dressed fat German's and 'gentlemen of a political bent' visiting and cheekily attempting to antagonise and 'stare out' his colleagues.
One hapless officer reported having as many as 14 sweaty rain mac wearing men surrounding him whilst twitching, sniggering and appearing to give him 'evils' as they eerily gathered, shivering with sexual anticipation. 'The stench of male sexual pheromones was undeniable', said Westminster's Police Constable Painting(13).
Klaus Wunderlick(67), a ginormously gargantuan gimp mask attired german usually based in Phuket told us, 'It is the talk of all Thailand how your english policemen are obligingly giving innocents a sound beating, without either recourse to the law or morality. I just had to come and chance my lady luck'.
It is currently unknown as to whether or not any of our capital's brave tit-headed bobbies have as of yet obliged these hopeless unarmed deviants, but we kinda hope they do.
More news should my local bar's wifi not go tits up and the filth not raid our St George's piss-up.