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Tuesday, 21 April 2009

image for Alistair Darling's Budget 2009 leaked
Darling

On Wednesday 22 April, the Chancellor Alistair Darling will present his second Budget amid grim economic news.

We take a look at the main elements that are to be included in this year's budget, and what has already been announced in the pre-Budget report in November.

This information is highly secret and we cannot reveal the source of this breach.

The State of the Economy

The chancellor is required to make a new economic forecast in the Budget.

He has already prepared the ground for lowering his economic growth forecasts by admitting that the Treasury underestimated the depth of the recession.

We can now reveal that the Chancellor will agree a mass cull of pensioners to reduce the burden on public spending.

Pensioners over 80 will be executed or be given the option to move to a holding facility on the Isle of Man.

Tenders are being taken for the operational responsibility of the cull but it is rumoured a consortium headed by Theo Pathetis look best to achieve the government target set for 2011.

Tax Rises / Spending Cuts

The government is likely to announce more tax increases to take effect from 2011 or 2012 to meet the growing budget deficit.

We can reveal that the government will implement an "Air tax" or "breathing allowance". From 2011 all UK citizens will pay 0.0111p per breath per day. A charge of £15 per month per person is the likely cost of such a duty.

Cigarettes will be sold by the troy ounce at a cost of £603.00.

A can of beer will be taxed @ 70% and reduced in volume. A standard can will now conform to new EU policy and reduce in size from 500ml to 10ml.

Help for businesses

As the recession deepens, there are more and more calls for help from companies.

The Government will announce a free carrier bag incentive scheme to all businesses. Small businesses will benefit from a free government carrier bag and company branded pens (pending availability).

Help for savers

With the government keen to encourage people to save rather than borrow, there may be some tax changes to help savers.

The Government will introduce a new tender called the "Groat". "Groats" can be bought from your land owner and exchanged for livestock, mead and vegetables at the newly instigated weekly market scheme.

"Groats" can be bartered and used in some port cities to buy & sell human beings from none empire countries.

The interest on savings is also set to reduce to -2% with savers having to pay the deficit on all savings.

Help for homeowners

The last budget raised the point at which a house buyer starts paying stamp duty temporarily from £125,000 to £175,000. With the housing market still depressed, this could be extended.

Better news for first time buyers with the "slumdog" scheme. All first time buyers will be allocated refuse land to build their first hut. The government see this will incentivise new buyers and may even lead to them winning substantial moneys from TV game shows and in turn bettering their current standard of living.

A pilot scheme in Lancashire as proved successful and the Government seem keen to roll this initiative out across the rest of the country by 2010.

Green budget

The CBI is arguing that the government should use the recession as a reason to boost green technologies in ways which could also stimulate commerce.

Green issues receive a lift with the "shit in a wood" legislation to reduce the burden on the Utility companies and encourage the fertilisation of old deforestation areas.

Our sources are unconfirmed and we cannot substantiate these claims

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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