(Buckingham Palace, Tuesday 29 June) There will be no royal opening of the Diana Memorial Fountian in Hyde Park next week.
According to Palace sources, the Queen has finally put her foot down and refused to be associated with what informed sources have called a "tawdry puddle designed by a lunatic on mescalin", commemorating
a "silly juvenile slapper who shagged more men while married to Charles than the corgis ever had hot dinners".
The controversial design of a "shallow pool running round in circles" has been described as an apt description of the late Princess. Its lavatory-seat shape is, however, unfortunate.
Nevertheless, it has clearly offended the Monarch who has complained that the only public benefit so far has been to stray dogs who were seen last Sunday urinating and defecating in the waters.
"Why don't they just open up the drains under Hyde Park Corner if they want to see what really goes down the pan at the Palace?" said a spokesman.