In an effort to get to the top of the supermarket charts, Wartnose - the upmarket - super-market - have come up with a unique add-on-service.
Philip McBasket, marketing director of Wartnose said, " We have been looking for an edge, a way of usurping our competitors and we are delighted to announce that from Wednesday 22nd April, all our stores will be offering "Piercings-to-Go".
Our reporter, Dick Tester, was on the scene at the first trial in Chelsea. "Just how does this service work" he asked Wartnose manager Nick Helmet, "Well it's all very cutting edge" he said, "we have noticed how bored our customers get whilst waiting at the check-out. So we decided to install these Piercing apparatus at every till." He went on to say, "It's so simple, for men, all they have to do is stick their whackydoodler into this hole, put a quid in the slot and hey-presto, you've got a Prince Albert!" - "Yes but how difficult is it for women to get a clitoral piercing I asked confidently"- "Oh that's no problem" replied Nick, selecting a middle aged female customer from the queue, "it's just like using the bag sealer at the apple counter", yanking down the startled middle aged lady draws he clasped her vaginal lips and slid them through the bag sealer, within seconds her fanny was decked with a metal ear-ring. "Marvellous said everyone in the queue", Nick was adamant that when the customer came round she would be delighted at her new cunt!
"But what about the tattoos" I asked, "Aahh, this is a more custom service" said Nick, "clients just pop over to the meat counter and slap their member on the scales, our butchers squiggle the customers chosen moniker across their knob in seconds, it's all very hygienic and should the individual concerned require a pound of minced meat, our attractive butchery assistants will wash their hands and wrap it up in a thrice".
Impressed with the slickness of the service, I went outside to interview a growing number of Goths and Climate Protesters who were now congregating in the car park, I asked if this new service would encourage them to shop at Wartnose instead of them looking through their wheelie bins after hours, "feck-ooorrf" said one, the others were quite rude and so we left.
A spokes-person for Tescos admitted this new Wartnose initiative had left them a little behind, but added, "By June we expect to regain the initiative by offering colonic-irrigation at the fish counter 24/7.
Before leaving the store I looked for a tin of Baked Beans for tea but they didn't have any!