Tabloid people in National Newspapers are on the hunt for anyone who has had carnal relations with the People's Princess- SUSAN BOYLE.
Sexy Sue who has held the title of people's princess for seven days, has not divulged if she has 'filled her boots' to the cockroach tabloid journalists, but that has not stopped them.
The editor of one of the UK's leading red tops says "The hunt is on to find anyone who has been involved in a relationship of a nooky or carnal sort of way - real or imaginery. So far only Monica Lewinsky has come forward with some sort of stained dress, but we doubt the jism-like patch can be attributed to Susan, but we have run the story anyway making ludicrous claims of passion, forbidden love and marital aids"
Another Editor who we interrupted from her session of downloading dubious porn said " We are willing to give $4 million dollars to anyone who can claim they have given Susan Boyle "THE BENEFIT". Perhaps she may have brushed past you on the bus and her lady part's (FANNY) touched a part of your body. That is good enough for us"
A man from Mid-Glamorgan has been paid £500,000 by journalists, stating he peered down her knickers in 1973 in a playground version of Doctors and Nurses. Oliver O'Mady said " The memory is a bit faint, but bejesus ...I am sure I did have a glimpse of what was in her drawers". In an orchestrated tabloid "TWIST" the man was later arrested and vilified by the same paper , when a member of the public pointed out, he was in fact serving as both a priest and headmaster in that year."
The Daily Scam has 'bribed' the exclusive rights of Susan Boyle's Bra fitter's story, the dotty old bird works at the 'East Lothian Old Fashioned Department Store That Should Really Be Out Of Business By Now, Who The Feck Shops There' - purveyor of A-line skirts, old lady mackintoshes, big knickers, liberty bodices and petticoats'. Mrs Finnigan, 180 said " Aye I have seen Boyle's knockers, when I fitted her bra. I think I might have touched them, but there was no kissing or lesbian clinches. I do about twenty ladies a day...oh er missus....I'm nasty!".
The paper has also interviewed Bert Hardacre, 189, from Susan Boyle's village, who drives the 'mobile library and glory hole bus' he had this to say "She has often come in and looked at the books with her cat Pebbles, but neither of them have used the 'Glory-hole' but the people from the paper keep telling me they did. I am so confused. Is the war over and did we beat the Kaiser?"
Now here's your chance to be involved. Has Susan Boyle touched you? Not emotionally or spiritually but in a bad sort of way. The way that a mummy does to a daddy when they love each other very much. Well if she has or HASN'T - we are not fussy. Ring the red-tops and tell them your story or whatever is in your head. We guarantee someone will be unscrupulous enough to pay you money, MONEY, MONEY and more MONEY.