Written by Sonny Spitfire
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Wednesday, 15 April 2009

image for Number Ten Feels More Pressure

Within days of the high profile resignations of Bob Quick and Damian McBride, Downing Street has been rocked yet again by scandal.

Mr McBride resigned after the discovery of emails he had send in which he made unfounded accusations about Conservative MP's which were described by some as a "smear campaign", whilst Mr Quick was photographed with a high-resolution camera whilst carrying sensitive documents.

Whilst both have released grovelling apologies to the media, leaked email correspondence between the two revealed that they thought the call for their resignations was "fucking stupid" and that Westminster was "full of bastards anyway".

The latest in a long line of embarrassing leaks for Number 10 is the discovery of the personal diary of Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith. In a statement yesterday, appealing for its return she said "It's a pink Polly Pocket diary about this big." she gestured with her fingers. "It's terribly sentimental to me so if anyone has found it, please PLEASE return it. I'll even offer fifty pounds as a reward."

However, fifty pounds pales in comparison with the £5,000 reportedly paid for the diary by the Sun "newspaper" to the man who had found the diary.

Dave Evans, 32, from Dagenham said "Yeah mate. Fing is, I fahnd dis pink fing dahn the back of me chair in the Roundhouse pub at the table near the fruitie and the birds bog. Anyway, my Mrs 'eard that bird on telly torking abaht it so we rang the current bun didn't we. Nah we got five grand, we're talk of the tahn. The bird wants a new kichin but I'm getting a Capri."

The diary itself seemed to contain very little sensitive information, other than the location of Ms Smith's many public-funded homes, a receipt for a new car paid with her commons credit card and the pass codes for the adult lock on her Sky box. The main source of embarrassment for the PM it seems is that the women he appointed Home Secretary seemed to think that the small gold-coloured claps and padlock on the diary was "adequate security".

Yet another internal investigation has been launched meaning that all commons time for the next six months will be used to get to the bottom of this heinous situation. Abortion and climate change reforms will have to wait until this has been solved, as well as the investigation into alleged "Police Brutality" at the G20 protests in London.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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