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Saturday, 11 April 2009

image for Ferrets, Whippets, And Flat Caps To Blame For North-South Divide
It's Grim Up North

The north/south divide: is it a myth, or is there something deeeper going on here that lesser mortals can't quite grasp?

Analysts are pretty certain that a rift was formed under the governance of Mrs Thatcher, as she effectively shut down the north of England, and large parts of Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland in order to bring prosperity to the south.

According to Mrs Burberry Smythe, of Winchester:

"If there indeed is a north/south divide, then the Northerners have brought it upon themselves. I mean, for God's sake, they keep ferrets and whippets, they wear flat caps and they eat pies with mushy peas. It's disgusting. And they don't seem to have developed a love affair with 4x4 vehicles, or Chelsea Tractors, as we affectionately refer to them. Those people ride buses and trains all the time and the only time culture impinges on their miserable existences is when they come to Wembley for the cup final."

"Hear hear," chipped in Bunty Axlegrease of Devizes. "They're just the most awful oiks. They're rough and they live in the most appalling conditions. And they supported Arthur Scargill. They deserve all they get."

Northerner, Mickey MacWhack of Liverpool countered with:

"We gave youse the Industrial revolution. We gave yer the Beatles, the greatest footy teams ever, we gave youse the Pankhursts, and Charles Babbage, who invented the first computer, we gave you Edward Elgar, and Halle. We gave you black puddings, Peter Kay, and Jim Bowen. Cilla and Jimmy Tarbuck. Not to mention Arthur Askey and Ken Dodd.

"And Corrie. What did you give us? EastEnders. Thanks a fucking bunch."

More cringeworthy news as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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