A Parliamentary Commission, established to investigate the popular saying, "Shit happens" this afternoon announced the results of their findings.
It appears that shit does indeed happen, on a daily basis as far as most people are concerned. Those who previously consumed fifteen pints of Guinness and a Chicken Vindaloo were found to be more at risk than most.
"There is shit everywhere," the Rt Hon Betty Swollocks, MP for Wrinkly Bottom told us. "The sewers are full of the stuff. Some places are less shitty than others, but in places like Westminster, where MP's hang out, and in places like Burnley, Lancashire, where the BNP holds sway, there is an inordinate amount of shit. The sewers are full to bursting point."
A startlingly frank admission from the MP then.
Our own researchers agreed with the committee's findings and revealed that:
Whenever we go for a walk, there is shit floating along sewer pipes beneath our feet.
As we sit at our PC's there is shit rolling if not directly underfoot, then certainly within close proximity.
And most damningly: Shit stinks.
More as we get it.