Apple sales in Redditch have fallen alarmingly, according to recent sales statistics.
Speaking from his stylish office suite on the 124th floor of the Redditch Apple Monitering Unit on Redditch's gentile westside, next to the Dolce & Gabbana building, Pip Slice CEO of the whole organisation said "we are all stunned, apple sales in Redditch have made up 94.5% of UK GDP for many years, now sales have plummeted to just 3 apples since March".
It was by looking around Pips office that I realised sales income from Redditch Apples have been astonishingly good, even Pips Bentley was parked in there next to his private jet. "What has gone wrong" I asked, trying to sound interested and sympathetic, Pip Slice stood up and eased towards his tinted office window, "can I confide in you, off-the-record" he asked whisperingly, "of course I replied, clicking the on-switch fertively on my ipod recorder",·it's not all apple sales" Pip whispered, "it's only Granny Smith's" he revealed, his eyes bulged and with a purple face he exploded " that FUCKIN SMITH COW HAS TARNISHED THE NAME, BITCH, BITCH, BITCH!!!!" he exclaimed!
So there you have it folks, not only has the Home Secretary lost the public confidence in politicians, but now, we can pin the blame of plummeting apple sales, a decline of 94.5% in GDP and an alarmingly high shortage of Kleenex on Jacqui Smith - THE COW!!!
On a brigher note, the Redditch porn industry has seen a huge up-turn in sales and an insider has predicted the possibility of taking over The Redditch Apple Monitoring Unit's plush HQ in an expansion bid.
More as we make it up!