Although it hasn't happened yet, keen as ever to be first in on the story, a spoof.com reporting team consulted with some psychics and mumbo-jumbo spinners, and a witch doctor from the Congo as to how Jade Goody's funeral will proceed today.
"It will be like Princess Diana's funeral revisited, like QM said a couple of weeks ago on the forums, except without the royal palaces and The Mall," Nicky Sleighhbell, a medium from Upminster told us.
"Yes, it will start in humble Bermondsey before proceeding to Essex via Tower Bridge," Glenys Allsop, a fair-to-medium from Oldham added. "It will be a sombre occasion. People will toss flowers on the hearse as it passes in a completely hypocritical outpouring of grief for a person they didn't even know."
"It will be covered live by Sky News," The witch doctor from the Congo chipped in. "It will be laced with saccharine, commentators will have lumps in their throats where no lumps were present before. She will be feted as no commoner has been feted before. And Britain will return its most high profile racist ignoramus to ashes and dust."
This spoof reporter believes that it will be an emotional last ride. The kiddies and the crook widower shall conduct themselves with stiff upper lip throughout, and an air of hitherto unhinted at decency. As will the crackhead mother.
As a nation attempts to come to terms with its grief, the witch doctor from the Congo goes to the bar because it's his round.
Remember, the spoof always comes first, which is not necessarily a bad thing.
More as we get it.