The Guildhall, London W1 - Opposition party leader, David 'do nothing' Cameron today announced his strategy for countering global recession here at The Guildhall by addressing a hardcore audience of Thatcherite devotees, intent on destroying civilisation as we know it, except for the obscenely rich.
"We should use PVA glue to bind us together as a nation," he told guests. "Just like they've used on all those kiddies' TV shows. It works wonders. It'll stick anything together."
Supporters gave Cameron a rousing reception. One told us:
"There are no limits to this man's ingenuity. Why stop at PVA glue? Why not go the whole hog and have papier-mache, sticky backed plastic, used bog roll tubes, and poster paints? At this rate we'll be back in the 80's before we know it."
"Who started this downward spiral of boom and bust?" this reporter challenged.
"Well that was Mrs Thrutcher, but she made her old man rich, she got her son rescued from the desert, she destroyed the miners and sold off every asset the nation had to greedy speculators. And not only that, she pissed orf the working clarsses. Fair play to her."
We really are all fucked, this reporter concluded.
Not being downbeat.
More as we get it.