Written by matwil
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Topics: Police, Parliament

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

image for Police use alcohol spray in Commons
David Cameron handing in his resignation at the Commons

Police used alcohol spray and arrested a man in the House of Commons, after a CS gas-fuelled fight broke out between two men.

Conservative Party chairman Sir Egg Pickled had been lightheartedly lecturing around 40 guests in the Shadow cabinet room, about the dangers of spraying alcohol at basically harmless people only having an argument, and shouting a bit loudly, and the guests were sniffing free Parliament gas like Prohibition was about to start any minute. Then two men disagreed about whether Irish or Scotch whisky was the better drink, and began spraying one another with CS gas, and police had to be called.

'Until we arrived, there was a genuine danger that nothing would happen', Inspector Fats Moneywaster said, 'but the arrival of two annoying gits in uniform pushing the two men around got things going nicely. Well, we have to do something to justify our existence.'

'Then we had to use alcohol spray on them, as they had sniffed a little too much gas earlier on and were shouting in a manner that wouldn't scare a child, but it sure scared me! Then we called for our BEVI support team, with the Royal Distillery Guards, and 200 mounted foxhunters, and a division of Centurion tanks, and a Royal Air Force nuclear strike team, and the entire US Army, to make sure the trouble would be dealt with.'

'Though we told the Americans not to bother, as even winning a war against two CS gas-fuelled men would be beyond them.'

This is not the first time a fight has broken out in the Commons, as only last week Prime Minister Gordon 'Who're you looking at, pal' Brown disagreed with Tory leader David Cameron over tax allowances, and leapt across the floor and felled the Conservative with a kung fu kick that Eric Cantona would have been proud of.

And in 1984 Margaret Thatcher disembowelled Labour chief Neil Kinnock, for 'being an annoying, red-headed, Welsh git, that couldn't lead himself up a garden path!'

And of course there was the famous fist fight between Thatcher and the Queen at the doors of Parliament, when Her Majesty had shouted 'Shut it, ya stuck-up, second rate schoolteacher, it's ME what rules the country, ya bam!', and Mrs Thatcher had shouted back 'We are not amused!' and took a swing at her Royal rival, and the two women were soon rolling around on the floor together like a pair of mud wrestlers.

'Off the record', Inspector Moneywaster said, 'I reckon handing out free CS gas to visitors is not such a smart thing to do. Especially handing out CS gas to Conservatives, well, you know what arrogant little twerps they are, give them a few sniffs of the good old spray and their breeding soon comes out. Or rather inbreeding.'

And Sir Egg added: 'Don't blame me, the day grown men can't sniff a bit of gas and have a little disagreement about something without the police intervening is the day the Conservatives become the Government again. Fancy a spot of air spray?' Mr Sheen was next door, polishing David Cameron's collection of losing medals.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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