Satan, Lord of Darkness, today hit back at what he called, 'the clear bias of the media towards anything God says.' God, he said, 'will not and cannot stop climate change because he is powerless to do so. Anything else the bearded commie say is pure spin,' hissed the being from the nethermost abyss. 'But he's wringing his hands about it, trust me.'
His eyes afire with passion, the arch fiend leant forward as he spoke. He himself had approached Max Clifford, insisting on publicity, proclaiming BBC bosses would burn in hell for their 'continual bias' in reporting religious issues. 'The BBC screens an hour and a half of religious broadcasting, and not a single second of it puts my side,' he said, clearly agitated. 'Yet every time God opens his mouth, his every word is reported. Now is that fair?'
So is climate change an issue Satan is worried about, or does he in fact support it?
'What you have to understand is that God's pissed off. If you've read your Milton you'll know He cast me and my dastardly crew out of heaven for daring to stand up to the authoritarian regime there. He cast us onto a burning lake. Now as it happens, that turned out to be an oil field, and we've been profiting ever since. He doesn't like that and He's using your media to demonise hell. It can't possibly meet the impartiality rules.'
Max Clifford is currently arranging for Satan to have a far higher media profile including appearances on Newsnight, The Today Programme's Thought for the day, and Celebrity Dancing on Ice.