Written by WASP
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Topics: Parliament, MPs, Ecstacy

Monday, 30 March 2009

As the furore over MPs' abuse of expenses mounts, I can reveal further troubling allegations of impropriety at the Palace of Westminster.

A Labour Member, who cannot be named for legal reasons but I am calling 'Mr. C.', is exposed as claiming the discredited second homes allowance for a 2-bed apartment in the West End area of San Antonio, Ibiza.

Situated above a bordello known locally as 'The Shag Palace', the property at first glance appears to contribute little to Mr. C.'s work for his inner-city constituency in England.

However, when challenged, Mr. C. asserted: "I have done nothing wrong. It is all completely within the rules. My visits to Ibiza are vital in understanding young people and their attitude to the European Union, not to mention potential substance abuse."

When WASP visited the Ibizan town, notorious for drunken disorder and sexual shenanigans, a group of males from Doncaster, on a stag weekend, were to be found in the neighbouring Pratt's Bar, chanting "Stand up if you've got the horn!". One of the ringleaders, Wayne Butcher (24), said: "Yeah, we've met Mr. C. He bought us all flaming Sambucas and said it was okay, it wasn't his money. Then he went off to 'The Shag Palace' waving a great big bunch of Euros. He recommended some bird called Anal Annie."

Mr. C. also denies any wrong-doing after his receipts for 2008-09, published under a Freedom of Information request, included a 12-month subscription for Viagra and an order for 40 Ecstasy tablets.

"I don't deserve a hard time over this," he insisted. "The Viagra thing was an oversight. I was investigating alternative medicines and their availability on the Internet. The subscription should have been cancelled after the first month."

Asked if he could return any of the remaining 11-months' worth of pills, Mr. C. scoffed, "You must be bloody joking."

His purchase of so-called 'love drug' Ecstasy was similarly dismissed. "One of my constituents told me he'd bought a dodgy 'E' and I was duty-bound to look into it. The batch I got was bang on, wicked, at least 98% pure with no side effects. Apparently."

For the Prime Minister, preparing for this week's G20 summit with dental floss and a copy of the 'Kama Sutra', the news heaps further shame on Labour following the dramatic exposure of Jacqui Smith's husband, whose purchase of hardcore porn on her expense account has gone down badly in Redditch. "We always said he was a w*nker," claimed one disgruntled voter.

Back at Westminster, one long-serving MP summed up the prevailing mood. "We have gone from the Mother to the Whore of All Parliaments in a jiffy!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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