(Dromoland Castle, Eire; Friday 25 June) Irish police investigating a cult branch of the notorious satanic Hellfire Club have uncovered fourth century Atlantic Sea Scrolls which claim that the Catholic Mass is a cannibalistic rite initiated by hungry Roman soldiers fed up of eating the local staple diet of peat and cabbage. The find was located close to the Hellfire's fourteenth century timeshare, Dromoland Castle, which will host this weekend's Presidential Summit of EU Enron illusionists and their personal crisis counsellors.
The archaeological relics are said to be so inflammatory to the credibility of Catholic worship rituals as to pose a total threat to the survival of the Mass, the Church's premier religious floorshow.
"This is my body, this is my blood" are words engraved on strange Roman masonic artefacts showing hungry peasants eyeing a spreadeagled victim on a cross, while another stone carving shows peasants being burnt at the stake while carrots and parsnips roast in the ashes beneath their feet.
President Bush is expected to be told of the find which may be connected to Sumerian artefacts recently uncovered in Baghdad depicting ancestors of Ronald Reagan eating pan-fried babies.
Tonight's menu at the Presidential banquet has not yet been announced for security reasons.