A new political party - the UK Stimulus Party - has been launched today, promising to 'give Britain the stimulus it needs in these troubled times'.
Speaking at the launch conference, Party Chairman Eric Mainsvoltage said, "The UK Stimulus Party will be fielding candidates only in the constituencies of Cabinet Ministers, and aims to offer UK voters the chance to see the sort of stimulus package that will revitalise faith in British Politics. Many people have talked at length about giving our political system the 'Mussolini Stimulus', but a detailed survey has shown that most of this country's lamp-posts couldn't take the strain, and given the current state of the economy we could never afford enough piano wire".
He added, "To that end, our Manifesto is based upon the single issue - the provision of suitable stimuli to the Cabinet Ministers who have put us in this situation".
The manifesto pledges include the following stimulus packages:
A stimulus package involving the average per-capita share of the National Debt, in 10p pieces, heated white-hot then administered rectally;
To be immersed, inverted, in a vat of molten CCTV cameras while being flogged with printouts from her beloved databases;
A six-month period of intense prostate stimulus, provided at length by 'Ringsplitter' Bloggs and 'Pole-Vault' Higgins, both of B-Wing, Wormwood Scrubs. Pain relief to be provided by a wire brush and Dettol.
Details of the full stimulus package are to be finalised, but will involve loose-fitting trousers, rabid weasels and a full credit-report;
Stimulus to be provided by a combined Army, Navy and RAF detachment specially provided for the purpose. All members of the detachment to be veterans who served during Hoon's tenure as Defence Secretary. 'Snatch' Landrovers to be provided, as it will be interesting to see if one will fit.
Stimulus packages for other Cabinet Members are also included in the Manifesto, however we are unable to print them as at some would result in excommunication and simply reading them would leave the general public needing counselling. The Manifesto also pledges a referendum on applying similar stimuli to members of the Opposition who failed to hold the Government to account over the last decade.
Mr Mainsvoltage also added that he was hoping to recruit a Party Leader from the current crop of decent politicians, and that he sincerely hoped Dan Hannan MEP would take up the position.