The Government today announced the creation of a new, 60,000-strong volunteer force to take the war against extremism and terror into the streets of Britain.
A development of the 'citizen justice' concept that brought us the Traffic Wombles and the Pseudoplods, the unit, named the Tactical Warfare Anti-Terror Squads, is to be drawn from the massed ranks of Guardian readers and will receive up to three hours of specialist training in how to spot and deal with the dangerous extremists in our midst.
Armed with Tasers and other non-lethal weapons up to and including recordings of Gordon Brown's speeches, the TWATS will patrol the streets of Britain seeking out and adminiJustify Fullstering swift justice to those involved in extremist and terrorist behaviour including:
- Taking photographs, making notes or filming at tourist attractions;
- Smoking in public;
- The possession or use of a beard;
- The use of Facebook, Twitter or other extremist sites for the spreading of sedition, such as saying the Prime Minister is a colossal cock;
- Whatever the Regime decides constitutes extremist behaviour that day.
While the TWATS are not expected to have powers of arrest (yet), Home Secretary Jacqui Beria has confirmed that they will have all the powers of the NuLieBore Jobsworth, with the power to enter homes, and to impose penalties up to an £80 fine for suicide bombing, or life imprisonment for calling any member of the Goonvernment a Stalinist Fuckwit.
Ms Beria said, "with the increased threat of terrorism and extremist behaviour, it is right that we create a unit of nosy, interfering busybodies brainwashed with our interminable, fear-mongering drivel, to poke their overly-long probosces into the daily lives of every citizen in the country. We will also be setting up an anti-terror extension to the 'Crimestoppers' phone service, whereby anyone with a grudge information can shop their neighbour anonymously and watch as they're dragged away by the Fingermen Anti-Terror Police".
In a separate but related development, the Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Brownies, Girl Guides, Boys Brigade and Combined Cadet Forces are all to be merged into a single entity to be called The Junior Spies.