Written by the dick
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Topics: News

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

image for The news celebrates its 100th birthday

News has been around for a very long time. Prior to the colonisation of the American continent by Europeans, the phenomena of News was know simply as "Sss" but in keeping with their standard renaming policies the early settlers changed the term to "New Sss," or "News" for short.

Before the invention of the News Broadcast, News was only transmitted in very narrow lines, on specific subjects such as Genealogy, Eugenealogy, Jennyology, Gene Kelly and KY Jelly. Even today, the purpose of news remains a mystery, but is thought to hark back to ancient requirement among tribal cultures that every man, woman and child should have a greater understanding of the opinions of journalists.

In 1683, sir Isaac Newton, then head of the department of Mothermatics and Cambridge University, England, proved that all news was subject to predictable trajectories, governed by the underlying principles of Farce, a term he completely failed to explain. According to Newton, news can be dynamic or exist as a potential, but can only be stopped by an equal and opposing episode of Jerry Springer.

It is widely understood that American News is far superior to any other form of news, a fact which is testified to by its utter refusal to consider events beyond its own boarders. However, rare and imported news is becoming increasingly available in recent years as a small and radical movement takes up the cry for "Newer News."

Alas, their numbers are still few, and the majority of diehard enthusiasts still maintain that it is not possible to beat Good Old News. Look for Cabal.

News has recently returned to its original state. In a Gutenburgesque process, basic elements are shredded and pulverized, added to a chemically reactive slurry, baked in the sun and dried. The resulting slate is then tinted for a colorizing effect, and presented as raw product to Comedians and Theologians, who then use surrogates to write of obtuse adversities or placid mollycoddling on the slate.

The resulting message is delivered via various means of overpriced connectivity to the masses.

Though News is created in much the same fashion as ever before, modern efficiencies assure complete obfuscation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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