Written by Roy Turse
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Topics: Crime, flu

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

image for Police Hunt Cold Cure Criminals
Robbie Tussin's girlfriend Corvonia Linctus

Following the story this week regarding the Fishermen's Friend robbery, and the excellent coverage afforded on this site, more details are emerging regarding the group thought to be responsible. Rather than the confectionery thieves first considered, police now believe an international gang of cold-cure criminals was to blame.

Benny Lynne, the notorious Corvonia Linctus, Robbie Tussin, Sue D'Afed, Mel Tuss, Honey Tixy-Lix and well-known East-end hoodlum Vic Slozenge are all suspected members. The mastermind behind the robbery is thought to be ex-KGB cold remedy crook Venoze Forchesticov.

The police have issued descriptions of the gang members, and say that ferry terminals and pharmacies are being watched to ensure they don't escape in the congestion. Additionally, airports are being checked in case they flu. Interpol are also on the lookout in Belgium as several of the criminals are believed to be Flemish. Known associates of the gang, Anna Dean, Nora Phenn and Cherry Chunes are also being hunted.

The gang, part of the Cold Remedy Mafia, or Cosa Nostril as they are known on the continent, are also thought to have been involved in a number of high-tech crimes over recent months. They are suspected of infecting Boots the Chemist with a nasty virus and hacking into Superdrug.

The police said that although the criminals were hiding behind atishoo of lies, they were hopeful of arrests. When asked what their chances of success were, they replied that they were expectorant.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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