The UK Government has announced plans to set up a border fence to run parallel with the ancient Roman wall built by Adrian Mole and have armed border guards to patrol it to deter illegal Scottish Immigrants reaching London Tube Stations.
"Everyday I walk to work and I am accosted by these drunken scruffy Scot's men wreaking of Mcewan's and talking in tongues - well no more!" said English Prime Minister Gordon Brown.
Many Scots try to infiltrate the border looking for a healthier diet, better looking women and to seek better (state provided) housing.
"They are our Mexicans!" screamed one man, which was totally unnecessary, as I was lying next to him on the beach.
Plans to build a fence separating England from Wales are also being discussed.
"They are just as bad," said shopkeeper Aziz Khan of Luton - "They are always taking the mickey out of my accent."