Consternation today amongst Twitchers and locals alike in the village of Spoof On Why as a dirty duck invaded the pond on the village green and proceeded to intimidate the local duck population.
Local pond-watcher, conservationist, and cross-dresser Noel Waterman told us:
"It was really weird. The other ducks were all going about their business as usual, in a totally amicable way, when this dirty, filthy, duck swooped in and landed in the water. At first, the other ducks didn't seem to be alarmed, and seemed quite happy to welcome the new arrival. But then..."
It would appear that the newcomer became extremely aggressive, according to ornithologist Michael MJ Jackson, who told us:
"This type of behavioural model is not unusual. A rejected duck will often transit itself to what it considers to be calmer waters than those from whence it has just departed, hoping for a degree of acceptance. When this acceptance is not forthcoming the bird becomes aggressive, with possibly catastrophic results for the indigenous population. As was never to be the case in this instance."
Spoof On Why villagers and Twitchers alike could only look on in amazement as the bedraggled duck started to viciously attack members of the established colony without regard for decency or any semblance of self-worth.
"The local ducks backed off at first," villager Fred Presley told us. "They seemed like they wuz (sic) trying to be nice. But the dirty duck kept pecking away until the local ducks finally turned. They were subjected to extreme provocation mind, and I reckons it brought out the worst in 'em. Fuck me, did they ever go for the jugular. It was a massacre."
Asked if he thought the dirty duck would ever return, Fred Presley told us:
"I don't roightly know. But if it does, it'd be pointless hiding behind a disguise. It'd be better just bein' straight and not troyin' to be a clever bar steward. It would probably find a much warmer welcome. Particularly if it dusted off its ego and had a nice cold shower. Reality check like. But that won't happen, I don't think, until some celeb's in life threatening straits. Then it might swoop down again. Probably full of wind and piss as usual."
More as we get it