An emergency production meeting of Channel 44's staffers occurred last night as it became apparent that a 'Secretive Millionaire' had been battered senseless and robbed in Rochdale, Greater Manchester.
Wilfully Palmtree, who runs a theatrical agency in Dagenham, Essex, which specialises in providing stand-up comedians in drag, was working undercover as a social volunteer. The objective being to assess local charity projects under the volunteer guise, in order to reward the organisations he deemed most worthy with a cash donation, during the course of which he would reveal himself as a rich businessman.
It was as he revealed his true identity to leaders of the Rochdale Crack And Street Drinkers Coalition in St Botolph's churchyard in the town, and revealed his donation cheque, that said members set about him.
"I only wanted to do good," he told this thespoof.com team from his hospital bed. " I just wanted a little gold dust to filter down from my mock tudor Essex mansion with quadruple garage to those scum-sucking pigs in Rochdale. But once they realised I was wealthy, they set about me with gusto and vigour. They stole my wallet. They head-butted me in the face, they shattered my kneecaps with a baseball bat, they used me as a human punchbag. And the final humiliation was that they queued up to urinate on my battered body. I'm gutted. I never expected this. Not in a million years."
A spokesman for Channel 44 TV told us:
"We at Channel 44 admit that there was an 'unfortunate incident' during the filming of the Rochdale programme. However, we feel obliged to point out that Wilfully Palmtree was warned of the potential hazards involved in the filming, as per H&S guidelines. It's our belief that Wilfully Palmtree exaggerated the extent of his injuries. He'll be out of ICU within a week and is expected to make a full recovery within five years."
"Yeah man," a Rochdale crackhead told us. "Send us some more benefactors will ya? Dem good for business."
More as we get it.