Written by vlad1m1r
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Sunday, 22 March 2009

image for PM : Forget e-mail, I'm psychic!

Downing Street was recently criticised for ending a facility which allowed people to e-mail the prime minister.

However all those who do not have a handy fax machine or way of generating smoke signals should not despair, the Prime Minister has reassured the British Public that he can still be contacted telepathically at any time. In an interview with Radio 2 last Wednesday he managed to smooth over the ruffled feathers of listeners:

"If you want something, just think it… God knows you all know my address, I am open to all suggestions be they sent psychically, through astral projection or other planes of existence, don't hesitate to ask."

Tory Spokesperson Adam Higgs had this to say:

"This is typical Labour spin on an idea introduced 13 years by the Conservatives, first it was the Public Private Partnership of the London Underground system, then privatised health care and now this. The idea that the Prime Minister can maintain a telepathic connection with the entire British Public is simply absurd; I myself have trouble filleting the minds of more than a dozen people at a time."

Perhaps unsurprisingly the move has been welcomed by prominent psychics such as Uri Spoonbender:

"It is my hope that I can now think to the PM when I want, I only hope that he does not get too much psychic spam, I once had an offer for a Viagra substitute sent to me, it rattled around in my brain for weeks until I managed to force it out by thinking of memories which filled me with grief such as the Holocaust, people with Handlebar moustaches and World Series Baseball."

The Prime Minister was also keen to play down rumours that all elections would be performed psychically in future:

"There're no plans at this stage to allow people to simply think of their favoured candidate, this is due to a pilot scheme we tried in West Yorkshire for some regional by elections where we asked members of the public to simply think of their desired candidate, the incumbent candidate received 3.4% of the vote, the opposition received 0.3%, 43% returned a bloated image of a male scrotum and the remainder could only think of entrants for the X Factor."

Human Rights Group "Friends of Humanity" also highlighted the fact that such a system would be discriminatory against those who cannot make use of telepsychic projection in a written statement released earlier today:

"Some of us can read minds, others can draw pictures of the future, some of us can turn into a living atom bomb and explode taking a chunk out of the landscape. We're all different and it's those differences that make us special. While we agree this is better than the Postal voting system, the government will have to start delivering on its promises to give free psychic tuition to all before we endorse this initiative.

The PM was keen to scoff this group's statement:

"I still remember the time I was five years old, I had my own mother convinced she was a chicken, out in the garden literally clucking pecking bird feed from my hand, my dad rushed out yelling, 'Put her back son! Put her back how she was!" Next thing you know there he is scratching in the dirt looking for a well rounded pebble to wash the bird seed down, good times… I'll put them back to how they were one of these days… so where was I? Yes, even a child can think of something and send it to me, I'm all ears."

Have YOU been affected by issues raised in this story? Do YOU feel unfairly treated because you're not psychic? If so, please get in touch.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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