Written by vlad1m1r
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Topics: Jade Goody

Sunday, 22 March 2009

image for Jade Good to return from dead!
At least her hair's grown back

The nation was gripped by Jade Goody's deathbed revelation last night as in the vein of Alexander the Great, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and the Bride of the Corpse before her Ms. Goody vowed to return from the dead, perhaps readers will be unsurprised to find that once again Ms. Goody claimed to be doing this "for [her] kids."

The desire to rise from the grave and terrorise one's own children is not unprecedented in media circles. Buffy Summers, formerly of Sunnydale California spoke to this paper concerning her sister Dawn's abortive attempt to resurrect their own mother Joyce using a voodoo ritual she "borged" from the internet:

"Ok, guys let's get this straight, if you die and something like you comes back it's not you, it's all eewy and gross. They might seem like the person you love but there's always a catch, they'll want to eat your brain or have the wrong number of tentacles, sometimes they just smell real bad."

However Ms. Goody's announcement has been met with enthusiasm from members of the undead community, spokesperson Rob Zombie (star of award winning political drama 'President Evil') had this to say:

"Jade's taking exactly the attitude I like to see in all members of our community. When we first wake up in that coffin we're inclined to panic but there's no sense in taking it lying down. If and when she does come back I think there's a lot she can do to bridge community relations, especially if this rumoured film deal comes through for her."

The film deal to which Mr. Zomie was referring is the slasher/zombie flick/and romantic comedy "28 years later" which is based on the true to death story of a lone woman's struggles against social prejudice faced by zombies in rural England in the late nineties. Ms. Goody has been tipped for the starring role.

In response to rumours that Jade Goody would indeed play "The Omega Woman", director Wes Cravings had this to say:

"Many people have asked me if Jade Goody is really suitable for this role, a brainless automaton, stripped of all intelligence who shambles around in a rotting carcass; I have to say I have a feeling she may be right for the part!"

Family Doctor Nick Riviera also was keen to play down rumours that Ms. Goody would attempt to feast upon the brains of the living upon her return á la Night of the Living Dead:

"This is a common stereotype that Zombies have to live with day to day. We may think it's funny to think of all zombies being the kind of people who will crack open your skull just to feast on your brain but you can't judge them all by the actions of a few. The overwhelming majority simply mix a little cauliflower in with a health shake and take it three times a day, there's even a tofu variant for vegan zombies! In any case the only human beings that will be in her close proximity are her kids, whose brains are 30% the size of an average human, must be good genes I suppose!"

As a mark of respect, Ms. Goody's funeral will be held on April Fool's day this year, watch this space for updates as and when they become available.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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