With thousands of Polish people settling in Scotland, it was feared there would be problems with language and communication, as few Scots speak English, and if they do it's so badly spoken that even other Scots can't understand what they're saying.
Professor of Linguistics at Govan University, Sir Robert van der Asbitt, said: 'They Poles, ken, nae prollumwirrabams. Good luck to them, and orra best wi' their wains annat, and the burds. They Polish burds ain't bad looking, mind.' And Scottish Last Minister Alex Salmon added: 'We welcome the people of Poland to Scotland, after all they come from a country that has never achieved anything except for being attacked by their neighbours - yep, they should feel at home in Scotland.'
But one of the first Polish immigrants to arrive, Miss Tastya Nicecjzest, said: 'I think the Scots will learn to speak English if government funds are available. I learnt it in two weeks, Scots still can't manage it after a thousand years. I was buying a meat pie today in Dunbar and the sales girl told me it was 'a bridie', and when I asked where the drinks were, she answered 'in my stomach, ya radge!' So it may be harder for Scots to speak English than they realise.'
Meanwhile in Warsaw Poles were getting ready for Scots that might try to use EU regulations to emigrate to Poland. 'We have our language interpreters, alcoholism advisers, plastic surgeons and sectarian history analysts ready', said Warsaw mayor Zbigniev Makenzci. 'But we don't expect too many to arrive, as they might find living near the Baltic Sea too warm, and might find the local 90% proof vodka too weak.'
Robert Burns is alive and well, and living in a distillery in Krakov with his seven wives.