It has been announced that Jade Goody will be given a state funeral. Anxious to make up for a perceived lack of compassion and sensitivity following the death of Princess Diana, The Queen has decided that the Buckingham Palace flag will fly at half mast and a period of mourning will take place. For fans of Goody's malapropisms this will last until noon today.
In the few hours since her passing, crowds have already begun to gather outside the Goody residence in Essex and many bunches of supermarket flowers have been placed in the driveway. So many in fact that the Domino's pizza delivery moped skidded a few minutes ago, injuring the rider and depositing several chicken tikka and pineapple pizzas in the flower beds.
The funeral service is expected to take place at Westminster Abbey, where it is rumoured that Elton John will perform a second rewrite of "Candle in the wind". OK magazine will fund the event and are already planning a second tribute edition, featuring touching portraits of Jack Tweedy being comforted by Kerry Katona.
In a bitter twist to the story, conspiracy theorist Mohammad al Fayed has blamed The Duke of Edinburgh for Jade's demise and demanded a public enquiry. Meanwhile, Essex police are anxious to trace a white Fiat Uno sighted in the area at around 3am Sunday.