After years of two sycophantic and simpering Labour Prime Ministers, the Queen invited Brian Clough to Buckingham Palace today, to take Gordon Brown's place as Premier.
'By 'eck', he said, after talks with Her Majesty, 'you've got to 'and it to the old trout, she's still goin' strong! We 'ad a couple of Bombay Sapphires and some crisps, then she told me what to do. 'Mr Clough', she said, 'the country is tired of insipid, grovelling leaders, that are about as useful as Charles would be as King if the country would ever let him be crowned.''
''Which is about as likely as Nottingham Forest ever winning the European Cup again! So please guide the nation as you did as Forest manager, we will be in touch', and that were it, so I buggered off to Downing Street to meet the Cabinet.'
'First person I met were that poofter Mandy Peterson, then that big fat bastid Scott Preston, and how we laughed when we found Tony Blair in the downstairs toilet, crying like a school lassie, the namby-pampy git! But at the lunch buffet that were laid on I told Preston he wasn't getting the last black pudding on the table, and he made a grab for it, so I had to give him a swift belt around the ear 'ole. Then I 'ad to make a speech about the economy for the BBC.'
''Tighten everything up at the back', I told them, 'caution is everything, then when other countries get over-confident hit their economies hard on the break, with only one asset. Maybe finance, maybe shipbuilding, but never use more than one bloody asset! Defence is the best form of attack, so let's see if those garlic-eating Frogs and bloody Nazi krauts can beat us at our own game!', and after that it were ITN I 'ad to speak to.'
''You big, daft pillocks, what do you think you're playing at?', I said to the nation, 'letting banks walk all over you, and then paying for the bloody experience! Bring 'em down, and bring 'em down hard, it's not rocket science. Never take your eye off a bank, and it won't get past you - forget that for one minute, and they'll have your guts for garters! Now get a grip!''
But former Prime Minister Tony Blair, wiping his eyes with a purple handkerchief, said: 'Look, chaps, you know ... I mean, well, does the Labour Party really want one of those working-class types leading it, and leading the nation? Next thing trade unionists will be coming round here for beer and sandwiches.'
And his colleague, ex-PM Gordon Brown, added: 'I'm not sure someone who doesn't have a law degree, isn't Scottish, and has never been to a football match in Raith should be Prime Minister. Though I welcome the 2000% increase in the amount of bevvy in the Party drinks budget that Mr Clough has already implemented. Mine's a large Macallan, thanks.'
Clough himself was busy in the War Cabinet room, strategically planning the downfall of the rest of Europe.