Written by Mrs Kensington
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Thursday, 19 March 2009

image for Kerry Katona "Did Not Start Fire of London"
Katona "Fired" by Sir Alan

Fire investigators will be going into a listed building in central London later today, to try to find out what caused a fire in the early hours of this morning.

Fire crews were called at around 2am to a blaze in a 15 bedroom 17th century house, currently occupied by contestants in Sir Alan Sugar's top rated show, "The Apprentice."

Neighbours described how they were woken at an "unearthly hour" by clouds of black smoke which smelt like "burning chip fat" and a woman with a "slurred northern accent" screaming "Maaark I've set the fookin' thing on fire again".

At a press conference this morning, a London Fire Brigade spokesman stated that the actual cause of the fire was still a mystery, but that emergency services had received a call at 2.13 am from a woman "with a slurred northern accent" who asked for a beef curry, fried rice and chips because she was "gagging fer it" and had accidentally set fire to her chip pan"

The identity of the woman is unknown, but unconfirmed reports have suggested that bankrupt ex-Atomic Kitten member Kerry Katona is no longer taking part in 'The Apprentice' and has been removed from the house in a straight-jacket and taken away in a white van.

Katona was said to be suffering from "a red puffy face" in the Priory today and unavailable for comment, but her bald gold-digging husband confirmed that the house had been "gutted". "Kerry has bipolar disorder" he told reporters. "She wasn't ratarsed, she just took her medicine too late at night with half a bottle of vodka"

A spokesman for Sir Alan Sugar's organisation later confirmed that Katona had "been fired".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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