Consternation in the UK this evening as details filter through that talentless Hollywood teen actors, Brenda Song, Rob Pattinson and Vanessa Hudgens have actually had the temerity to turn down parts in Steven Spielberg's upcoming pirate blockbuster movie 'Below Decks'
"This has never happened to me before," Spielberg complained. "Usually I have actors fighting like alley cats to get into my auditions. But these assholes...who the hell knows?"
My reportage team managed to track down the reluctant actors.
Pattinson told us:
"No way could I do that dude. They wanted me to play some sleazebag limey ship's cook. It would have involved 'uglying up' Sorry man but I don't do ugly, and I don't do Limey cooks either. I told Spielberg he could kiss my ass."
"For frick's sake, they expected me to play some gal named Dora Piebottom, the Whore Of Lyons. I'm no whore. I told Spielberg he could kiss my ass."
Brenda Song told me:
"They wanted me to portray some kind of goat missile. I don't do goat missiles so I told Spielberg to kiss my ass. He wanted to. He was up for it. But I told him I don't do ass kissing either."
Spoof writer Skoob1999 is currently hiding under the covers awaiting the inevitable 'exploitation' backlash.
More as we get it.