Written by Danny Buckle
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Topics: Trains

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Dastardly Dick Bowker head Vulture at NExpress central announced more bleak news "Despite my efforts to maintain profitability it looks like we are slipping off the rails" Dick axed the on board catering for the East Coast main line recently in an effort to cut costs but I can now reveal the real reason behind the change.


I received an email from my mole at Hell Hall (Dastardly Dick's HQ) which contains an extract of some maths done by a chimpanzee with an abacus. In summary it says that by not feeding its passengers National Express expect an average weight reduction of 2 kilos per passenger over the next 6 months. This means that NX trains will have less weight to haul around thereby cutting their power consumption from the overhead cables.

I can also reveal that Dick intends to accelerate the process of passenger weight-loss by inducing diarrhoea as a result of reintroducing complementary coffee in first and standard class.


I have learned of other NX initiatives which include adding a third class ticket called "Ming Class" It's the same as standard class but without any onboard catering or cleaning. Most people won't be able to tell the difference from this and First class.

The average price of a Ming Class ticket will be 20% lower than standard but there will be only one ticket per journey. Dick will charge you for an upgrade to Standard class for a small surcharge this way he will get an extra 5% for a standard ticket. After that a gentleman with a foreign accent will tempt you to upgrade to first class with the promise of… yes you guessed it complementary coffee.

Shortly after coffee you'll be running like the clappers to the loo which will already be overflowing unless of course it's been through Hatfield and dumped it's load on the passengers standing in the station.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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