Squillionairess, superstar, mistress of reinvention and children's book writer Madonna was reportedly today in a state of extreme frustration resulting from the very real reality that not one single individual has as yet championed her for a part in Spielberg's upcoming piratical blockbuster 'Below Decks'
"It's like casting pearls before swine," Madonna said today. "I'm hot to go on this project, all set to drop everything, drawers included, but they don't seem to want me!"
At which point she started blubbing and had to be comforted by a scantily clad, well oiled up, muscular dancer named Dave, from Coventry.
"It seems that after decades of success, nobody really loves me any more," she sniffled. "They seem to want teen queens like Miley Cyrus and Brenda Song. But I'd be a much safer bet for Mr Spielberg. I have the experience. 'Desperately Seeking Susan' and 'Shanghai Surprise' for example."
Madonna has also contacted ex-husband, Guy Richie, to find out if he could exert some influence on Spielberg regarding casting, him being a movie director and that. But she got no joy.
"I'd do anything for a part in this movie!" Madonna wailed.
"Anything? How desperate are you?" asked conjoined peg-legged twins BuckwheatsButt and Percival Pissgums, with a comic book nautical leer.
"Oh get serious!" Madonna wailed again.
"Oh we are..." the twins 'ooh-aaaarghed'.
'Below Decks-The Movie' was inspired by a series of collaborative magazine stories by Spoof.com writers, who frankly don't give a damn either way.
More as we get it