Troubled Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole has been arrested again after violence flared at a pet shop in Esher on Monday morning.
Police were called to Val's Pet Emporium near the High Street after Cole took offence to comments made by an Indonesian cockatoo.
"Ashley was haggling with the owner over the price of a chihuaha," said an eyewitness, who did not want to be named. "We assumed it was a present for Cheryl to make up for his behaviour while she was up Kilimanjaro. He'd got the price down to £90 and a signed shirt when suddenly the parrot started squawking at him, saying things like 'Who are you, sexy chops?' and 'Did you bring your nuts?' "
Cole initially seemed calm but the cockatoo, named by pet shop staff as Dr. Phibes, continued to hurl abuse.
"Dr. Phibes was hopping up and down on his perch, shrieking 'Give us a kiss, then, ducky!' " continued the witness. "Ashley went berserk and began smashing the cage with a hardback copy of 'L'Etranger' he was carrying."
Cole, whose disgust at Arsenal's measly offer of £55k a week was shared by millions and led to his acrimonious transfer to London rivals Chelsea, eventually forced open the cage door and attempted to pull the wings off the by-now terrified Dr. Phibes.
"Val was forced to subdue him with a can of flea repellent," said another onlooker, who saw feathers flying from the doorway. "The police came very quickly and led Ashley away in handcuffs. He was still ranting and covered in droppings."
Surrey Police would confirm only that a man had been issued with a fixed penalty fine and will be required to attend RSPCA classes on pet mentoring.
Emporium owner Val issued the following statement: "Dr. Phibes had a troubled adolescence and was used for laboratory testing of dandruff shampoo. He can get a bit excitable if he sees particularly shiny hair but there was no call for what happened. Needless to say, we will not be selling Mr. Cole the chihuaha."
Cole's agent denied all the allegations and insisted that the wayward star had in fact been discussing existentialism with a 'lifestyle guru' when he was the victim of an unprovoked attack by the bird.
"He will be suing the pet shop big-time. He wants compo for hurt feelings, a bite to his nose and a serious dry cleaning bill."
Chelsea Football Club declined to comment, but a team-mate joked: "Who's a silly boy, then?"