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Sunday, 15 March 2009

image for Brown and Balls: "Top Criminals to be fast tracked into teaching careers". Market farces continue to prevail!
Former financial Weasels downsize to more modest methods of transport for the school car park.

Consternation in the UK as Gordon Brown and Ed Balls announce that the current one year Post Graduate Course in Education could be cut to six months in order to recruit an army of unfortunate, former, city of London, financial weasels.

"Funny money" shufflers in the city who find themselves out on their arses are being encouraged to become teachers of maths, and science. Gordon Brown claims that: "I am sure with their financial expertise, prudent sensible, housekeeping and strong moral compasses; these candidates would condescend to work in state schools despite having no proven expertise in handling young people, any sense of public service ethos or contemporary educational issues. We believe that public services are better managed by private enterprise and initiative".

Critics cite one such Private enterprise initiative, namely P.F.I which is set to cost several generations of UK taxpayers over 200 billion for buildings, services and utilities that the British will never actually own. The labour government denied that The Private Finance Initiative was little more than loan sharking by banks and financial institutions to pay for public services.

As the financial shit hits the fan, Brown and Balls are keen to attract former "High Flyers" who now find themselves grounded as the financial institutions in which they worked go into meltdown. "Ed Balls claims that: "these top professionals could teach Britain's aspiring felon a thing or two about "pulling a caper". Our prisons and streets are full of failed criminals with little experience, commitment or expertise.

If we really carried out our duty of care to our young people, then we would give them the best start in their criminal lives. What we need is an influx of hardened, resourceful, career criminals who really know how to" pull off a job" and not get caught "! Sir Fred Goodwin for example walked away from RBS with at least sixteen million pounds for nothing more than making eighteen thousand people unemployed and bringing a bank to its knees through overstretching its capital, share assets and aggressively buying another failed bank. This is the sort of resourcefulness and creativity we need to present to our young people," claimed Balls!

The UK education and children's minister later went on to claim that the new "Yearning for Learning" Tesco training Academy has won the contract to prepare all new aspiring teachers for the classroom. The first term is fruit and vegetables followed by cereals and bread in Isle 2. During the final term, students will develop assessment and appraisal techniques by using a price gun and working on the checkout. Some ministers express concern that this trend for cut price, low cost, low brow, outsourced training appears to be spreading to some alarming areas.

Saint John's Ambulance enthusiasts are currently undertaking A six week "top up" course that will enable them to undertake anything from cardiovascular surgery to Psychotherapy. Eyebrows were raised recently when it transpired that the commander of the ill-feted nuclear submarine, HMS Vanguard had formerly been responsible for nothing more than several Splash Cat pedalloes at a south coast holiday resort.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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