The British Royal Family's principal toilet in Buckingham Palace has announced its retirement after 50 years'service. In a career that has seen an unparalelled number of royal bottoms and flushed away countless tons of regal turds.
The toilet said: "I don't like resorting to toilet humour, but this has been the job of jobs. I have had brilliant time whilst others are having their crap time. However, it is right to call it a day. Being a toilet is a tough profession, and I am aware how lucky I am. I have not had to cope with the glory holes and cottaging that my peers have endured - although don't think I haven't had my fair share of "eye opening" experiences! (I think Edward know what I mean). "
Asked if it felt it was the best toilet in the business, the lavatory replied: "I don't want to be arrogant, but I do believe I was number one whilst the Queen did her number two."
It is reckoned that the toilet has shifted 1,000 tonnes of royal shit - enough to fill Wembley Stadium or a Jeffrey Archer novel.
The retirement of the toilet of course leaves a vacancy for the post. In tune with the modern world, Buckingham Palace said it would be carrying out a Saturday Night tv show to find the best British toilet. Graham Norton will host it. The presenter said: "I have done a load of real poo in my career but this is the first time I will have done a show that is royal poo."
The toilet was asked what it will do in its retirement. It told us: "I don't want to give up work altogether. I am thinking about writing a book of my experiences, entitled "How to get to the bottom" or "A royal flush", and then I might look for a role as an anthopomorphised piece of furniture in a Harry Potter film.
IN the meantime, the toilet will be a guest columnist in Hello magazine for the next six months: "It's a reversal of roles for me - I have had a career dealing with a whole load of royal shit, but now I will be producing it!"
We couldn't resist asking about the biggest shit the toilet had ever seen during his contact with the royal family. "That's easy," it replied, "Paul Burrell."