London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): The Vatican Orifice for Miracles and Portents has certified Jade Goody's wedding dress as miraculous garb after Turin Shroud-like images began to appear on its silken folds this week.
This started a frenetic internet bidding war for the £5,000 frock with Halo! magazine outbidding LA FagHagSlagMag's best-priced offer by $100,000.
"If she dies on Jade Good(y) Friday we'll have to post guards outside the mausoleum where she's to be interred," genius PR guru Max Cliff-Hanger said today, "in case of grave-robbers...er, an Easter Sunday resurrection miracle!"
The shimmering satin gown may next go on a world tour of future Goody healing shrines that Clifford is planning to erect in her honor.
Jack Weed is back in the slammer.