J.D. Witheredspoon, the pub magnate and godfather of cheep booze slammed the government today for not doing more for drunk people. In a speech made at "The Moon In Old Bank", one of his newest pubs, Mr Witheredspoon called for more to be done.
"The government is the enemy of all those people who want to get totally shitfaced every day. The taxation system is a farce. We have had to put our prices up during these difficult times. We now have to charge 15p for a litre of Rocket Fuel cider. Some of our customers rely on this stuff to start their day."
Witheredspoon rose to prominence with his chain of pubs. Yes, many people now spend all Saturday lunchtime trying to prize an empty glass from one of the tables. The stains have begun to develop a culture all of their own. The staff probably started life as an old stain on one of these tables.
Witheredspoon's pubs have become an institution. The OED lists Witheredspoon as "A place where you can meet others shortly before they die of liver failure. An unclean environment where the toilets are miles away and you can never get served."
The government hit back at these comments. John Prescott went for twenty pints at lunchtime and was ready to fight with anybody in the car park. Harriet Harmless said "Cheap drink promotions are not helping the country in any way. Our nurses have to deal with this every night."
Florence Night N. Gayle, leader of the National Union of Nurses said "That's shit. We can't afford to go for a bloody drink. We are on Witheredspoon's side."
There have been calls for Witheredspoon to stand for parliament and try to form his own government. Indeed one person commented "He's my best mate he is. I really love him".