Written by Roy Turse
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Friday, 13 March 2009

image for The Great British Rollercoaster Scandal
Riders on Thorpe Park's Negative Equity Experience are worried they may never be able to get off

A new rollercoaster has been unveiled at Thorpe Park in the UK which promises the world's steepest freefall drop. Called the Pension Value, it overtakes the previous record holder The Property Price.

Vertical drop rollercoasters have become extremely popular in recent years because they offer such a frightening experience in such a small time. Theme parks around the world are busy designing ever more frightening experiences for their customers.

In Britain there is a rollercoaster called the Standard of Living which used to be one of the highest in the world. It took years to build, and then was quickly overtaken by other countries. Now the British Standard of Living is considered a weakling; only superior to the People's Morale, which started off fairly low and has been reduced recently due to Health and Safety legislation.

Some rollercoasters are bucking the trend. London's Bankers Bonus offers a ride which, provided you don't fall off on the way, seems to go up and up. Politician's Sleaze is one continuous upward spiral, and 2012 Olympics appears to be a runaway train ride.

The designers of these scary rides are not always known. At one time it was reported that Robert Peston had been the architect of a rollercoaster known as The Northern Rock Run, but it subsequently turned out this was built by Crassmiss Management.

And, as with anything else, personalities play their part in choice of ride. Although Alistair Darling recently held up his hands on the Country's Economy, Gordon Brown has always preferred riding the Global Excuse.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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