Written by Mrs Kensington
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Friday, 13 March 2009

image for Jeremy Kyle Sponsors Mind Reading Research
Kyle's guests - 'addled'

It has been revealed that self-righteous ITV evangelist Jeremy Kyle has invested over £5million of his personal fortune in research that could change the face of the criminal justice system - and move the fight against anti-social behaviour into the 22nd century.

Kyle (62), who has waged a personal vendetta against 'evil criminals' such as unmarried mothers, the unemployed and neighbours with burnt out cars in their back gardens for more than twenty years, is hoping that research into mind reading at the Wellcome Trust Centre for Neuroimaging at University College London, will enable him to "nail the dishonest bastards once and for all"

At a press conference yesterday Kyle, who was Mr Gay UK in 1997, stated "If there is one thing that makes me very very mad, it's low-life ignorant scum with no consideration for the honest hard working taxpayer, who have sex without condoms; allow their children to play outside without muzzles; shop in Iceland and put their recycling out on the wrong day".

"They come on my show, eat my bread and water, try to get a word in edgeways and think they're clever enough to beat my sophisticated lie detectors - It makes me so ANGRY."

Kyle, who's new book "Eradicating the Underclass" will be published in June, is said to be 'cautiously excited' about the research, which involves placing participants' heads in a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scanner and allowing their brain activity to be monitored. "Of course, most of my guests, are addled with cannabis, booze and low quality meat products, so it may be a non-starter" joked the jovial bully.

Kyle's 'Chamber of Truth' in Manchester is said to contain a terrifying assortment of items of torture and has never been opened to the media, but a source close to the tyrannical star told reporters "With the lie detector test, Jeremy usually puts his face up very close and shouts at them for a bit and if that doesn't work he threatens to report them for benefit fraud."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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