Written by Danny Buckle
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Topics: Poo, travel

Thursday, 12 March 2009

image for Nexpress East Coast crap service continues
The next train arriving at platform two will cover you in shit. Please stand behind the yellow line.

Liquid shit - Passengers standing on platforms at Hatfield and Welwyn station are literally getting shat on by Nexpress East Coast. According to recent passenger complaints NXEC trains are spraying liquid shit on passengers as the train enters the station.

The Trains Divisional Chief Executive said "I'm very surprised that this is still happening" he went on. "We deliberately removed all on board catering facilities to cut down on the amount of shit we produce. I'm at a loss for words"

But his passengers were more vocal adding "Ever since these toss-pots took over the East Coast it's been one blow after another, I'm pissed off with being over charged, over crowded, starved to death and now I'm covered in shite, it's gone too far".

Lunch

Over lunch I interviewed the head Vulture at National Express. Tucking into his Dolphin soup he said "Look profit doesn't grow on trees you know. Last year the group revenue was £2.8 billion and how do you think that happened eh? It's because I've taken the heart, soul, liver and kidneys out of the old GNER and nothing is going to stop me taking the piss either" He was unrepentant as he smirked in his Dalmatian-pup-fur overcoat and Meercat moccasins he added "If you think I'm going to waste shareholders money on passenger comfort you must be more stupid than you look Mr Buckle"

Our lunch ended and he left me to pick up the tab including his extravagant main course of Bambi Kebabs served up in a rare Turtle shell.

Before he sped away in his Chauffeur driven Humvee in a cloud of diesel fumes he poked me in the eye and scoffed at my overpriced London to Edinburgh ticket saying "you scum have had it too good for too long. I'm just getting started".

Cackling to himself he commanded his driver to open the door and then said "Come Igor it's back to Hell Hall, we have some kittens to drown"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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