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Thursday, 12 March 2009

image for Government Announces New Bank Lending Rules
2p, or not 2p? That is my bank balance.

Britain's nationalised banks are to be 'facelifted' and to introduce new lending policies in a bid to revitalise Britain's torpid housing market, it was announced today.

Northern Wreck, Lards Banking Group and Royal Plank of Scotland, which are now all in majority Government ownership, are to be merged into a single retail banking entity Brown Bank, and will operate under a single lending policy, under the supervision of Prime Minister Gordoom McBroon.

Under the new Brown Bank lending terms, credit applicants will be required to provide information regarding their political affiliations and voting history. This will then be checked against a planned database of Labour Party members, Trades Union memberships and Benefits claimants, and lending decisions will then be made based on the political reliability of the applicant.

Speaking at a soporific Press Conference in Downing Street, the PM explained that the new Brown Bank would be focused on 'getting on with the job' of introducing a 'fair, equitable and right' lending policy. Mr Brown said, "it is right that we merge these banks and, in doing so, ensure that they revitalise the British economy by providing British mortgages to British Labour voters".

The PM added that preferential interest rates would be available to Labour Party donors, and added, "we anticipate that this new approach will ensure our continued governance after the next election - because if you want to keep your house, you have no choice but to vote Labour. No, seriously, no choice - if you aren't voting for us, we'll repossess you so you won't even be on the voters roll".

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne attacked the new arrangements, saying, "we know why they call it the Brown Bank - it's named after the shit state of the economy".

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