Written by Mrs Kensington
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Thursday, 12 March 2009

image for Jeremy Kyle to play TV Detective in ITV Autumn Schedule
The New ITV Peterborough Television Centre

Just days after announcing a shock move to Peterborough in the wake of the financial crisis that threatens to take them off the air for good, ITV have today revealed their startling new cost-cutting Autumn schedule.

In a press conference at a Little chef on the A47 Westbound this morning, a spokesman told reporters "In the last few weeks we've had to face up to the possibility of losing some of our best-loved programmes, but after a great deal of hard work from our creative teams we think we have found an exciting and economical solution".

Plans include a new flagship reality show, presented by Fern Britton and Declan Donnelly, in which the cast of 'The Bill' and 'Heartbeat' will compete to cook a restaurant quality plate of food, do a makeover on a member of the viewing public, discuss their emotional, drug and alcohol problems, train to be air stewards, and learn brain surgery. The spokesman added that plans to film the show in the Australian jungle had been shelved and it was now likely to be shot on Canvey Island.

Also in the pipeline is a new cutting edge 'CSI style' drama series starring Jeremy Kyle as a detective in a sleepy village during the'60s who tracks down geriatric murderers and then subjects them to a 'severe telling off' on daytime television.

The spokesman would not comment on rumours that Coronation Street and Emmerdale would merge, and be moved to later in the schedule to allow writers to deal with more 'adult themes'. An unidentified insider confided, however, that there are plans for a lesbian relationship between Betty Egglestone and Emily Bishop, an outbreak of E coli poisoning in Betty's hotpot that wipes out the Dingles and Windasses, Gail being arrested in Thailand for smuggling cocaine and the discovery of a torture chamber in Norris Cole's back passage.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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