The Dome in London's Docklands was evacuated and sealed off by Scotland Yard's anti-terror squad yesterday following reports of plastic explosives scattered throughout the venue.
The all-clear was given four hours later when detailed forensic examination revealed the substances to be pieces of Michael Jackson, apparently shed by the singer during his recent 3-minute press conference.
Head of Security, Jock 'Strap' Muldoon, admitted there was panic, adding: "I served with the Black Snatch in Ulster during the '80s and it bloody well looked like Semtex to me!"
Several members of the cleaning staff were treated for shock, while Mrs. Gladys Venery (63) of Rotherhithe was hospitalised after inadvertently eating Jackson's phallus.
"I can confirm that Gladys, our canteen lady, is still in the East London Infirmary," said Mr. Muldoon (48). "It wasn't her fault - she thought it was a button mushroom."
Fears for the popular entertainer's health prompted prayers in local mosques, and a chicken was sacrificed in neighbouring Canning Town. The Bishop of Southwark, speaking through an interpreter from the saloon bar of the Cutty Sark public house, stated: "It's a shame. I thought he was excellent in 'Basic Instinct'."
The only comment from Mayor of London Boris Johnson was "Golly!".
However, as tearful fans gathered outside Jackson's suite at Hamley's for a candle-lit vigil, and Bono prepared to fly back from Darfur, a spokesman denied any lasting damage to the singer (36).
"Michael is fine. Rather like our President with the nuke codes, he always travels with a suitcase full of prosthetics in case of emergency. He is currently resting
with his children Duvet and Prince King Charles Spaniel."
The exact cause of Jackson's latest complaint is unknown, although Dr. Ambrose Speedie, emeritus professor of Drugs at the University of Dalston, conjectured: "I would say that Michael's nervous system has reacted badly to mouse tranquillizers and this has caused him to vibrate to excess during his appearance."
As it re-opened for business, Det. Supt. Bob Slow, the Met's anti-terror chief and head chauffeur, told waiting newsmen: "It's far better to be dealing with a false alarm than a tragedy. We will not be pressing any charges against Mr. Jackson, although we have provided him with a supply of Wickes Everlast Putty to prevent further incidents."
Dates for Jackson's 'Face The Music' tour are unaffected.